I am a light

I am a light . I am peace. I am me. I am changing. I am evolving. I am powerful. I am strong. I am whole. These are things I proclaim for myself over my life because it’s speaking light into my situation when it feels dark. When I started this blog it was me taking a step of faith after procrastinating Gods plan. It was me sticking my toe in the water instead of getting out the boat and walking across the water knowing I would walk because God had me the minute he told me to step out on faith. My goal is to inspire people . Especially youth. Letting them know that this Christian life isn’t just for adults. That it’s not easy , but it will sustain them through so much pain. It will keep them afloat when the waves are crashing in. I’m not a radical Christian, I make mistakes all the time , I curse when I shouldn’t , I lack faith when only a mustard seed amount is required of me . I cry at God because I don’t understand. But Yet he holds onto me and allows me to share my story with others. I’m not shoving my religion down your throat that’s not what this is . I am offering you a new perspective to a personal relationship with someone that is so much bigger than your problems, pain, and past. Im offering you a peace that doesn’t come from this earth. Im offering you someone who will love you unconditionally with no strings attach. And he will teach you how to love you, him , and others. As always grow . Have hope in your future. And continue faith .

Testimony from 10 year old me .

But this is my letter to God from

10 year old me : Dear God I don’t understand. I don’t understand why you would allow all of this bad stuff to happen to me. I don’t understand why you gave me her as my mother. She doesn’t love me . She didn’t even want me . She told me that last night . She even tried to justify it and say she didn’t plan for my sister or brother either not just me. Why would you give her something she didn’t even want . Why would you give someone that didn’t want kids 3 of them. Why would you allow me to be a mistake. I don’t understand God I don’t understand. God I’m mad at you . Take my life dear God . I don’t want another day . I just want this to be over . Dear God today my dad went to the hospital you knew that though , you also know I’m not old enough to see him, God if you take him from me I’ll kill myself, don’t leave me with her . Please bring him home. He Came home that day , but you sent him back two days later . Why? Why are you doing this he just got saved ..why you torturing him. Why is this bad stuff happening he doesn’t deserve it .why do I feel so alone ? I tried talking to her . She didn’t listen . She yelled at me. Why does she hate me . God just end my life already it means nothing .please God. Please

So my dad told the church today . They were mad. They made me feel bad. They called me selfish . They told me everyone goes through stuff. That I should be considered blessed. I’m very fortunate you know. People are homeless I have a roof . I have two parents. You know God it’s crazy how could I ever see myself not blessed. You gave me a sister that’s never around ,she didn’t want to say with my parents. A brother that’s anti social and doesn’t want to be bother. A mother angry at the world. And a .father that is so hurt and lost he is trying to learn everything about you to make up for his wrong. But I’m lucky . You know I’m just 10 I haven’t experienced life yet . God why ? Why give me a life I don’t see worth living for . Why give me emotions I don’t need . I haven’t felt love in a long time. It’s dark here . In my mind trapped faking a smile so I don’t get asked are you okay today , if I get asked are you okay today.

This is a snipit of my letter to God because it’s so much more I’ve had to face and so many more obstacles I went through. That was when I was 10 I was angry for 6 years half the time I didn’t know I was angry . I didn’t realize I was bitter . I thought I left that little angry girl when I moved from the house . But I didn’t she got bigger and bigger she just knew how to hide . When I came to this church I didn’t expect the love I got . I didn’t expect the change that had come over me . The Anger left it took a while , it didn’t happen instantly. I still have a stuff to work on . I have the mind set of being a burden because of that church but I also have learned to forgive and refresh and renew myself because I released something from my childhood that was holding up a lot of blessing .

We left before the relief.

Its okay to run back to that old space. Its okay to look back at the past and where you came from. It’s okay to share your testimony and your story of where you have came from. Its okay to be vulnerable ,open, and genuine. Its okay to be human. You wanna know why? Because God is at every step of that journey . Waiting for you to call on him and allow him to guide you through those steps . Making him the permanent footprints in your path and all you have to do is have the faith to choose his footpath instead of so easily making your own down the other path. Its you choosing to follow his will. It’s you having faith that the destination is just for you . Wherever that path is , is not the end of your story its the beginning of your journey to help others along their journey. The christian faith is the most lonely journey but the most friendly journey . The reason I say that is because many wont accept the things you wont accept and take it as hate because you hold true to the word of God. As Christian we love all people , we just are not accepting the sin of a person. The same way as a friend that upset you , you still love your friend you just aren’t accepting of her actions . Its the same way with our faith we offer and offer jesus to people and we help them through showing them how we use God to get through difficulties but its only an offer its never forced because God is a God of free will. We just offer the water , we are the example of the benefits of the water but we are not the example that drowns them with the water. So offer your water with confidence in where you are and with your story of how you came to Jesus, but do it with Love as you will never be the judge of someones heaven or hell placement for you have no such authority. God is a merciful God and all loving and that is the way you are to offer your water. Because its okay to meet God at whatever place were in. As always keep love . Touch grace. Hug faith , comfort hope and continue to selfishlygrow

The best meet and greet

God will meet you exactly where you are in life. You don’t have to wait until you are out of that sin, off that drug, committing adultery, out of that toxic relationship. God meets you at whatever level you are at. And he can take you to the next level if you allow him to come into a broken vessel. If you allow yourself to submit to his will and do his desires . God can move at your pace when you are walking into your faith , but God will also challenge you during the process helping you to reach farther into yourself allowing him to stretch your faith. God will test your strength and it will hurt and you can become frustrated with the process but in that frustration you are supposed to learn to trust God . Its the ability to trust a plan that is bigger than your own. God will present you with so many blessings and people will thank God and praise and worship him when its all good , but the faith seems to disappear when the waves get rough, the clouds start raining and the fire gets bigger. Why is it that , the same faith that blessed you isn’t the same faith that holds you through your storm , its because the enemy will make you question the power and purpose that God has in your life. Its the questions of why is this happening to me? If God loves me why did a loved one die ? Why are my parents abusive ? Why did i get molested ? Its painful to endure what you go through as being a Christian because its not an easy life and we try to be a light to non-believers and have it “all” together. Which isn’t always the case. It’s not easy being a young Christian especially when you’re new to the faith and trying to balance all the weight of growing pains and identity can be overwhelming but you have to have faith just as tiny as a mustard seed to trust that God will see you through as always #selfishlygrowing
Continue to pursue faith. Press forward. Hold hope. Touch grace. And keep love.

Living to Satisfy

Question of the day? You dont have to answer in the comments if you dont want to, but I definetly think you should answer it to yourself. Since you’re the only person in your life you dont have to lie to. But the question is : Do you live to satisfy yourself or society around you? And before you rush to think yes or type “of course” . I really want you to mediate on it. Whether its the job that you aren’t happy with , the boyfriend or girlfriend that you choose because they are safe , the trips that you go on because your girls want to , or that regret you hold onto because you feel guilt.  Now is the question as easy as you thought when you put it into that type of perspective.

If the answer is yes still , I really give you nothing but props. You have unlocked a freedom that many people haven’t had the privilege of doing, and the truth might not ever unlock.

But there are definitely the majority of us living for others approvals and opinions. People have the tendencies of making these their standards in life. It’s such a selfish thing to do to deny yourself a say in your own circumstances. You don’t get to choose your form of happiness, your morals. beliefs, your route to success. Its ALL snatched away from you by people that have no value for your voice.

The sad part it can be the people most close to you that do this intentionally or unintentionally. It’s spouses, parents, grandparents, close friends, mentors, spiritual leaders. They deny you a different route in life.

People can be so close- minded to ways that aren’t their own and you have to respect that. Understand the differences in peoples beliefs and mold your own standards around their perspective. All while still holding onto your views.

SO with all this being said mold your own perspective!



Long enough…

I think everyone comes to a point when they ” get sick and tired of being sick and tired”. It’s when you are just fed up with the situation or circumstance after dealing with it consistently. You finally look at the situation from the outside and throw in the white towel. This is when you say I’ve dealt with this long enough , I’ve settled long enough, I’ve been hurt long enough, I’ve cried long enough, I’ve been angry long enough, and so forth. So many ways you can end the simple phrase “Long Enough”. With that being said , What have you been dealing with long enough ? Dealing with things doesn’t make you weak , sometimes it is the cause of making you weak in the process. You get tired with every fight until , there is no fight left in you. It’s a flightless battle and the circumstances are knocking you down.  When this happens it takes faith in knowing that the victory is won and the battle has an end. It also takes strength to walk away from a dead situation. You have to give yourself that sense of peace that you have denied yourself for lowering your standards. With that being said fight for finally enough for once. Accepting that you are finally enough for yourself. It’s loving who you are and looking at the pain and disrespect that you have taken and fueling that into the love and effort you place into your own circumstances. Hold hope to your self. Faith in your future. As always continue selfishlygrowing.

Past eraser

     Holding on to the past is such a damaging thing to do. It hinders you to move into the future. Its like quick sand , you’re slowly sinking.  The harder you fight the past (sand) the quicker you sink. Your past is not meant to fight. It’s meant to be a building block into your future. Its purpose is to mold you into the person that you are supposed to be. Its a new struggle. That builds character. It’s a new story that is meant to be shared. Many people try to burry their past alive. Meaning they dont deal with it. Mourn over it. Say a proper goodbye. That is the worst thing you can do. You have to be able to let it go. You have to be able to forgive people and release the skeletons in the closet. The past is nothing to be ashamed of. People can’t use what you’ve been through against you because you know what you’ve done. Learned the lesson, and have forgave yourself. The past is never supposed to be something that you dont discuss , it’s the oppurtunity to share your story, and help someone fight the same battles you fought in a better way. I think many people that succeed in life have come to terms with who they use to be ,but many of these successful people never share their before success stories due to shame and because quite frankly they didnt deal with it properly. Any true leader will take their past and tell the story. Not because their story is beautiful, but because the story is quite ugly. But the beauty is when that story sets that person free from a bondage they didn’t even know existed. I can take this advice from myself. I haven’t dealt with my story, with my past . That’s why I made this blog to give you beautiful readers my story. Not to erase my past but to build a better future. As always Much love. All the hope. Keep faith. And continue to always choose to selfishlygrow.